Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
