i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
