theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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