Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that