glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
