my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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