Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
