if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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