You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
