I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
