i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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