bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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