your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
