Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
