I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
it wasn't lemon gatorade
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
