I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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