I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
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We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
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I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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