hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
