I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
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Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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