I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We are two peas in an std pod
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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