I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
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They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
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You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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