Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
