sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
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No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.