I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
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Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
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Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality