i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Randomize
