Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
