so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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