My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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