Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
