hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
