There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
