Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
