I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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