Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
