I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
He felt like a one man threesome
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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