based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
