Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i love accidental penises.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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