Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
