You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
