dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
