My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
