how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
