I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Randomize
