i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
