like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
