My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
