whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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