K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she told me i tasted like america
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
