dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
