I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
