I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
whose ass print is on the piano?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Randomize
