I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
