Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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