If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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