someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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