i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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